A Cry For Hope (ARC) Page 3

  He looked down at my tear-filled eyes. “I'm sorry, Hope. My god, I'm so sorry.” He pushed my hair from my face and wiped away the tear that was rolling down my face before burying his face into my shoulder, no longer able to hold back his sobs.

  “Happy birthday, my sexy man!” I threw my arms around Jamie as he walked through the door looking totally exhausted. He had been working so hard these past few months. We had finally found “our home” and were going to be moving from our tiny one bedroom apartment in a month.

  “I made your favorite for dinner…Chicken Marsala.”

  He kissed me softly while I loosened his tie. “Why don't you go get changed? Dinner will be ready in five minutes.”

  “I’ve got an idea. How about you come into the bedroom and help me?”

  “Nope, there will be no early birthday presents. They will come after dinner.”

  “You are such a tease,” he said, slapping me lightly on my butt as he walked into the bedroom.

  Oh boy, do I have surprise for you! I smiled to myself.

  I finished preparing dinner and lit the candles on the perfectly set tiny kitchen table. Jamie's smile was a mile wide when he came back into the kitchen dressed in his sweats and a t-shirt.

  “Mr. McAdams, would you like red or white?” I asked, holding up each bottle of wine.

  He laughed. “I'll have whatever you're having.”

  “Oh, I'm not having any,” I said.

  He looked at me strangely. “Hope? Turning down wine? Are you feeling okay?”

  “Yes, I am! Geez, you act like I'm a lush or something,” I laughed.

  He pulled me down onto his lap. “As long as you’re my lush, that's all that matters.”

  “Oh, my god, Hope! I fuckin’ love you so much!” Jamie shouted. It was the perfect ending to our two-hour lovemaking session after his birthday dinner.

  I gently caressed his back while he caught his breath.

  “Hey, I forgot to give you something.”

  I reached into the nightstand drawer and took out two cards. I handed him the first one, which was a very sentimental husband card that was so reminiscent of our relationship. He read it over and smiled. “Thank you, baby,” he said, kissing me softly on the lips.

  He looked surprised when I handed him the second card. He opened it slowly and I could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t comprehend why he was receiving a “Happy Birthday, Daddy” card. A huge smile appeared on his face when he opened it up and read the inside which was signed: Love, ? See you in October.

  “I know it wasn't part of our plan just yet, but - .”

  He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. “This is the best birthday present that I've ever gotten, Hope.” He hugged me tightly.

  “So you're okay with this? I know we said that we were going to wait a few years.”

  “Am I okay with it? I'm ecstatic! I'm going to be a dad!”

  I smiled at his enthusiasm. He pulled me close and kissed me on the head. “Is it okay that we just....you know?” he asked.

  I giggled. “Yes, silly. It’s perfectly fine to have sex when you’re pregnant. As a matter of fact, everything I'm reading says that women want more sex when they're pregnant.” He looked up at me and smiled. “Do you think you can handle that challenge?” I joked.

  “Do you really need to ask me that question?”

  “Just wanted to make sure that you will still want me when I have a big ol’ belly.”

  He trailed kisses down my body and rested his head on my stomach. “Hey, baby, you made your daddy the happiest person in the world and I can't wait to meet you.”

  I ran my fingers through his hair as he continued to place gentle kisses on my belly. He looked up at me. “I love you so much, Hope, and I will worship this beautiful body for the rest of my life.”

  I wiped the tear that was rolling down Jamie's face. “Hope, I don’t like this person that I’ve become. I just hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “It’s okay, Jamie.”

  “No, it’s not. I want to be able to make love to my wife without acting like some kind of animal.” He sat up and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that ever again.” His words stung. I sat up and covered myself as best as I could with my torn shirt. He hugged me tightly. “Hope, I’m so sorry. I just -.”

  I covered his lips with my finger. “Don't. You don't need to explain it to me because I know. I know better than anyone exactly how you feel. We need to mend our own hearts before we can mend each other's. And in the end, hopefully, we can both be there to put the pieces of us back together. God, I hope we can because I still love you so much, Jamie.”

  He hugged me tighter and buried his face in my shoulder. “I'm so sorry for hurting you, Hope. I just want the pain in my heart to go away.”

  “Me, too, but I don't think it will ever go away, Jamie. It may subside a bit over time, but it will never completely go away. It’s something that we both must learn to live with.”

  He held me for a while longer. I could no longer avoid the question that I was dreading to ask. “Can you just answer one question for me?”

  He nodded.

  “Did you sleep with her?”

  His silence was like a knife twisting and turning inside my heart. He looked at me sadly. He didn’t need to answer; the look in his eyes said it all. “I’m so sorry, Hope. I’m not going to make excuses for it because I know it was wrong. I just…” He shook his head in confusion.

  I closed my eyes. I knew all along that he did, but hearing him actually admit it was like a lead balloon on my chest.

  “I-I have to go.” I got up and rummaged through my drawer for a new pair of underwear and a shirt. I could feel his eyes burning into me as I quickly dressed. I grabbed my suitcase and looked into his tear-filled eyes. “I’m setting you free and praying to God that, in the end, we can make it back to each other.” I took a deep breath, looking into his eyes one last time before heading down the steps and walking out the front door of the place that used to hold so many happy memories. The place that I once called home.

  After a two hour drive filled with many tears, I finally arrived at my mom's. Just pulling into the driveway of the place that held so many happy memories made me smile. My father had passed away three years ago so it was just my mom in the four bedroom oversized cape that I grew up in. My brother, who was eight years older than me, lived right up the road with his wife and teenage daughter.

  My mother was waiting in the doorway as I walked up. I could feel myself getting emotional just looking at her. She had always been my beacon, and now I needed her more than ever. I threw my arms around her and broke down, breathing in the familiar scent of Chanel No. 5 and feeling like a helpless little girl again. We walked over to the couch and sat down. Making sure that I left out about the affair, I unloaded everything that had been happening in my life.

  “Oh, Hope, I wish there was something that I could do to take away your pain, sweetie.” She hugged me tightly and kissed me on the head. “You can stay here as long as you need to. You can stay forever, but I'm really hoping that you and Jamie can work this out.”

  “Me, too, Mom. I still love him so much.”

  “I know you do, sweetie.”

  We spent the rest of the night going through old photo albums, allowing me to express a whole new gamut of emotions. I loved looking at the old photographs of my childhood. The tears started as I looked at the pictures of my dad and me. He was my hero and I missed him so much. I wished that he could be here right now to help me get over this because if there was anyone that could, it would have been him. My parents were the happiest couple I had ever known. My mother had gotten pregnant with my brother when she was only eighteen. The two of them married right away and were together until the day he died. I thought that Jamie and I would be just like them. I knew that we probably would have been if Charlie was still here.

/>   I looked at the clock, surprised to see that it was already midnight. “Well, I’m going to bed,” I said.

  “Me, too! It’s way past my bedtime.”

  We kissed good night and headed off to our rooms. I walked into the room that I had slept in my whole life and a sense of calmness temporarily overtook my troubled mind. My mother had since repainted my pink walls yellow, and had taken down the posters of my teen idols and replaced them with beautiful beach-themed prints, but it was still my room. The place that always provided me with a sense of comfort no matter how I was feeling. I unzipped my suitcase and took out a pair of pajamas. I was too tired to unpack and decided to save that for the morning. I quickly changed and took out the picture of me and my two loves, placing a kiss on the cool glass of the picture frame before setting it on the nightstand. “Mommy’s really scared, Charlie, so I’m going to hold your hand, if that’s okay,” I whispered.

  We walked around the Magic Kingdom all morning long. I wasn’t much of a ride person so I would just sit it out on a bench, while Jamie and Charlie took in all of the attractions. I didn’t mind and my tired feet actually welcomed it. Charlie’s smile was a mile wide as he and Jamie exited the Buzz Lightyear ride. “That was so much fun! You shoulda come!”

  I smiled at his enthusiasm. “Nope, that’s what Daddy is for. I’m a big chicken when it comes to rides.”

  “That one wasn’t bad at all, Hope,” Jamie said.

  “Well, I’ll take your word for it. Ever since I threw up on the tea cups in front of everyone on my class trip when I was a little girl, I’ve avoided any form of unnecessary motion.”

  He shook his head and laughed.

  “I’m hungry!” Charlie exclaimed.

  I looked at my watch, surprised to see that it was after one. “Well, can you two tear yourselves away from your fun to eat some lunch?” I asked.

  Charlie flashed his toothless grin and smiled. We decided on Pecos Bill’s Tall Tale Inn and Café. We found a table outside and sat down with our burgers, listening to the screams from Splash Mountain. “Dad, can we go on that one next, please?” Charlie pleaded.

  Jamie nodded. “Only if you eat all of your lunch first.”

  Charlie quickly took another bite of his burger. I pulled out my camera, and Jamie and Charlie both rolled their eyes. They were all-to-familiar with my photography addiction and were usually good sports about letting me snap pictures of them, but every now and then, I would get the occasional protest. “Come on! Just one…for me?”

  “One? This is like your hundredth picture that you’ve taken today!” Jamie said.

  “Please?” I said, sticking out my bottom lip and pretending to pout.

  “Fine!” Charlie moved closer to Jamie and rested his head on his shoulder.

  “Smile!” I shouted before snapping the most perfect picture.

  “Would you like me to take a picture of the three of you?” an older woman who was passing by our table asked.

  “Oh, that would be great!” I said, jumping on the chance for another picture. I moved my chair closer to Jamie and leaned my head on his shoulder, while Charlie stood on the other side of him and leaned his head on his other shoulder.

  “Everyone ready?” the lady asked, just before snapping the picture. She held the camera out and looked at the screen. “Is that good?” she asked.

  I looked at the screen and smiled. “It’s perfect! Thank you so much.”

  “You are very welcome! Enjoy the rest of your trip,” she said.

  “Thanks. You, too!” I said as she walked away.

  I looked down at the picture once again. I couldn’t stop smiling at my handsome husband and my adorable little boy. They were my boys forever.

  “Are you done staring at the picture and ready to go?” Jamie laughed.

  “No, I will never be done staring at this perfect picture. You know, out of all the pictures that I’ve taken on this trip, this is the only one of the three of us.”

  He shook his head and smiled, taking one last sip of his water and getting up. Charlie got up quickly, and threw his soda cup and plate in the trash. “Come on, Dad. Let’s go get in line for Splash Mountain!” Charlie exclaimed. Due to his excitement, he wasn’t paying attention and ran right into Donald Duck, who was dressed up like Davy Crockett. He placed his hand on Charlie’s shoulders as Charlie looked up at him and smiled.

  “Oh, Charlie, let me get a picture of you and Donald Duck.”

  “But we need to get in line…,” he began to protest.

  “I’ll make a deal with you. If you let me get a nice picture of you and Donald, I will go on Splash Mountain with you.”

  “Are you feeling okay?” Jamie joked.

  “Shush!” I said, pulling out my camera, waiting for Charlie’s response.

  “For real?” he asked, a smile spreading across his face.

  “For real.”

  He moved closer to Donald and smiled the biggest smile possible. I snapped the picture and took a deep breath, knowing that I had to hold up on my end of the deal. Charlie grabbed my hand and we headed over to the line. “Aren’t you coming?” I asked Jamie, who stopped just before getting in line.

  “Nope, someone has to hold your stuff. You wouldn’t want your camera to get wet, would you?” he teased.

  “Haha, you are so funny!” I said, handing him my purse. “I hope you have the life insurance paid up because I just may have a heart attack,” I said, only half joking.

  “You will be fine!” he laughed.

  Charlie and I stood in line for what seemed like forever. Finally, the endless wait was over and my nerves were getting the best of me. We were just about to board the ride when Charlie looked up at me, squinting into the bright sunlight. “Don’t worry, Mommy. You can hold my hand if it gets too scary.”

  I leaned down and kissed him on the head. “Thank you, sweet boy. I think I may just need to do that, if it’s okay with you.”

  After a very restless night, I awoke the next morning and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. I was trying to muster up the strength to get up and face the world. I finally forced myself out of bed and walked into the kitchen, finding a note on the table.

  Hopie,

  I’m at the bakery if you need me. Made you some blueberry muffins. They’re on the counter. You know where the coffee is at. See you later.

  Love,

  Mom xoxo

  My mother had managed to keep herself busy since my dad’s death. After being a housewife her entire life, she finally followed her lifelong dream two years ago and was now a proud owner of Mary’s Sweet Tooth. She was a great baker and always dreamed of owning her own bakery. I was so happy that her business was doing so well and that she was doing something that gave her so much enjoyment. I was hoping that now that she was out in the world a bit more, maybe she would find someone to offer her some companionship, even if it was just dinner and a movie. She was still so young, at heart and physically. Everyone called me her twin. We did look very much alike. We both had dark hair, dark eyes, and the same heart-shaped face. My dad would always tease me when I was younger and say that he only hoped that I didn’t nag like her when I got older. She always took such good care of herself, and people could not get over that fact that she had just celebrated her 60th birthday.

  I took a muffin from the basket and slathered on some butter. I anxiously waited for my coffee to get done, and sat down at the kitchen table, trying to put my thoughts in order. What the hell was I going to do with my life? I was going to be thirty-four in two months; didn’t have a job; wasn’t sure if I even had a husband anymore; and my main reason for getting out of bed each morning was gone and never coming back. How was I even going to begin to put my life back in order?

  I took a quick shower, threw on a little makeup, and placed my long, dark hair into a messy bun. I looked in the mirror, thinking that I didn’t look half bad for a girl who was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I decided to
take the short drive to the beach to help me clear my head.

  I got out of the car and wrapped my sweater around me tightly. The wind was whipping off the water, but I didn’t care. I took a long walk along the ocean before sitting down in the sand. My mind began to go in a million directions. I walked out. I left Jamie…the one thing that I said I would never do. But Dr. Draven was right. Maybe we had to repair the hole in both of our hearts before we could even think about mending the one that was deep inside our relationship. I looked around the desolate beach. In a few months, this place would be filled with people enjoying the warm sun and cool water. But on an unseasonably chilly April day like today, I was the only one foolish enough to venture into the harsh winds. The cool mist coming from the water and the salt air on my face mixed perfectly with my tears. I took a deep breath and looked out at the water, this powerful force of nature that took my baby away. I hated it. I loved it. I couldn’t take my eyes from it. Ironically, the same thing that had caused my heartache was now providing me with a sense of solitude. I had always loved the beach. I grew up in this tiny little New Jersey beach town that held so many happy memories. When Jamie and I had gotten married, he was just a few years out of law school and working for a law firm two hours north so we had moved there and planted our roots. Our house was located in a beautiful beach community, perfect for raising a family, but it wasn’t home. Now, without Charlie, it felt like a foreign land.

  As I looked off in the distance, I saw someone else braving the chilly winds and going for a run. As he came closer, I began to feel a strange sense of familiarity. He was handsome and very well built, but that wasn’t it. I knew him from somewhere. I shook off the feeling as he ran past, not even noticing me.