When Autumn Ends Read online

  Chapter 33

  Jenna

  “THANK YOU SO MUCH for being here with me today, Jenna. I owe you big-time.”

  “You don’t owe me anything. I’m here because I want to be.”

  “I really don’t want to do this.” Ethan gripped my hand as we walked into one of the rooms off the foyer of the funeral home. A large portrait of a man sat on an easel in the front, presumably Ethan’s father. As we inched closer to it, I noticed the strong resemblance he bore to Ethan. Ethan’s hand remained locked with mine as we made our way through the crowd, finally reaching his sister and her husband. Standing beside them were a teenage boy and girl who I assumed were Ethan’s niece and nephew.

  “Uncle Ethan!” the girl shouted, rushing over to give him a hug and kiss.

  “How are you, Kelsey?”

  “I’m good!” She smiled, her green eyes beaming and her smile widening when she looked my way.

  “Jenna, this is my niece, Kelsey.”

  “Hey, it’s so nice to meet you!” she greeted, making me feel instantly at ease.

  “You too.” I smiled back.

  “Ethan, you came!” His sister’s voice cracked with emotion. She hugged him tight and kissed him on his cheek.

  “Jenna.” She focused her attention on me as Ethan started up a conversation with his nephew. “I’m pretty sure you’re the reason he’s here, so thank you.”

  “Actually, I’m not. He called to ask if I’d come with him for support...so here I am.”

  “Well, thank you for that. He seems so different when he’s with you. He’s happy and…hopeful. I’m glad you’re here with him. I know it’s not my business, but are you planning on spending the night?”

  “Umm...yeah, I think so.”

  “Good. Tomorrow is going to be really rough on him.”

  “Why’s that?” I shook my head in confusion.

  “He didn’t tell you?”

  “No.”

  “It’s Nolan’s third birthday.”

  I looked over at Ethan and my heart sank.

  “Oh, wow. I’m glad I’m here too. He shouldn’t be alone.”

  She nodded in agreement.

  “Jenna! How are you doing? Ethan’s been keeping you all to himself.” Helene’s husband rushed over to me and gripped me in a bear hug.

  “Tom! Let the poor girl breathe!” Helene scolded while I shook my head and laughed it off.

  Ethan had introduced me to a few dozen people, none of whom I’d remember if I were ever quizzed on it. We took our seats and the man I believed Ethan had introduced me to as his uncle walked up to the podium to give the eulogy. Ethan’s head remained down the entire time he spoke, bouncing his leg up and down and giving my hand an extra squeeze every time he’d mention what a dedicated, loving father his dad was. His sister looked over quite a few times to make sure he was okay, and I reassured her with a nod of my head. I breathed a sigh of relief once it was over, thankful that Ethan had made it through without getting up and walking out.

  “Ethan,” Helene called, waving her hand to come up to where she was standing.

  He let out a frustrated breath.

  “Go. You’re here for her today,” I reminded him.

  He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek before getting up and going to his sister. I sat in silence and people-watched. So many had turned out for this man who’d treated his son so horribly, all seemingly unaware of what went on behind closed doors.

  “That right there is Aunt Vivian.” I jumped when Ethan’s brother-in-law, Tom, took a seat behind me and leaned forward to whisper in my ear. “She’s been married six times.”

  “Wait—what? That’s just crazy,” I whispered back.

  “They are definitely a crazy family. I’ve known them for a very long time. Longer than I care to remember. Helene and I started dating in high school. Ethan was only nine years old at the time. That poor kid, what he endured, no child should ever have to go through. I don’t know how he held it together during that eulogy. David Banks was a son of a bitch. My wife likes to be the forgiving type, but I don’t blame Ethan one bit for not making his peace with that man. And if you ask me, their mother was even more fucked up for allowing him to do that to her son.”

  I closed my eyes, trying to chase away the visions I had in my mind of Ethan as a helpless little boy.

  “He lived with us for a while when we first got married. I’m a cop, and I couldn’t allow him to stay there knowing what went on in that house. Their mother was consumed with money and looking good at the country club. She didn’t care about the price that came along with it. I never cared to be in their company, and I sure as heck didn’t want my kids around them either.”

  “Did he ever abuse Helene?”

  “She claims he never did, and he just had it out for Ethan for some reason. I can’t say that the world isn’t a little better off without him in it, but poor Ethan is the one who’s left to live with the scars that man has left on him…and then losing his son. God, I can’t even imagine.”

  Tears pooled in my eyes as I looked at Ethan, standing by his sister’s side, seeming invincible. He was so big and strong, but there was still a part of that scared little boy lingering inside him. I flashed him a caring smile when he glanced my way, and then looked away. I didn’t want to chance him seeing the sadness in my eyes.

  “You’re a good person, Jenna. I could sense that the moment I met you, and Ethan’s a great guy, but I hope you realize the pain and the baggage he carries around with him each day. It could be too much for some people to handle.”

  I turned around to face him. “Not for me. I will do everything I can to take that pain away from him.”

  Tom nodded and placed his hand on my shoulder in support. Ethan was a puzzle to be put together, that was for sure. From the first day I’d met him, I knew he was in pain, yet I chose to pursue a friendship with him. Now that I’d gotten to know him even better and some of those pieces of the puzzle had been put into place, I could never dream of walking away. I was in this for the long haul or however long Ethan would allow me to be.

  It had been a long day, and I was happy to be back at Ethan’s where it was just him and me.

  “Is that all woods behind your property?” I asked as I stared out the kitchen window.

  “Yeah, it’s about three acres that lead into a state park.”

  “Let’s go for a walk. It’s a beautiful afternoon, and the fresh air will do us some good.”

  “Okay.” He agreed but didn’t sound too convinced.

  We stepped outside and strolled hand in hand into the woods.

  “This is so beautiful,” I said after walking for some time, taking in the massive pine trees surrounding us. “Is that water running?”

  “Yeah, there’s a creek just down that hill. Come on, I’ll show you.”

  He led me down the steep embankment until we reached the edge of the creek and took a seat on the cool, damp ground. The late afternoon sun reflected off the crystal-clear, trickling water, and the leaves rustled in the wind. I closed my eyes and inhaled the crisp, clean air, feeling so relaxed and content in the moment.

  “This is absolutely beautiful.” I took his hand and lifted it to my lips. “You should set up a writing area here…speaking of which, I finished your chapters, and I’m not surprised to say, I was thoroughly impressed.” I still hadn’t talked to Amelia, but there was still some familiarity with his story that I couldn’t chase away.

  “Thanks,” he muttered, clearly a million miles away.

  “I think everything went well today. You?” I rested my head on his shoulder.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  We sat in silence for some time.

  “So, what’s bothering you?”

  He shook his head. “Nothing. Just enjoying the peace and quiet.”

  I bit my bottom lip, unsure if I wanted to bring the subject up that had been on my mind since his sister had mentioned it at the service. It only took a few more seconds b
efore I ended my internal debate. “So, your sister told me tomorrow is Nolan’s birthday.”

  He jerked his body, causing me to lift my head from his shoulder. Staring straight ahead, he muttered, “I don’t want to talk about that.”

  “Why? He’s your son, and he always will be. Celebrate his life instead of running from his death. He’s a part of you, and that part still lives inside your heart. The love you have for him will never die. Whatever problems you had with your marriage had nothing to do with your son, so stop confusing the two. Your little boy is turning three tomorrow. Honor that.”

  “How can I do that when he’s not here to spend it with?” He finally focused his attention on me. “How do I just go on and pretend he’s three years old, when I know he’s not? He’s gone, Jenna, and he’s never coming back. He’ll never have another birthday because it was taken from him by that selfish bitch.”

  I shook my head. “She took him from you in the physical sense. Don’t let her take him away from you in the emotional sense too.” I was probably overstepping my boundaries big-time and risking the chance of that other side of him coming out, but he needed to face this to start healing.

  He sighed heavily, and I waited anxiously for his wrath to unleash on me, but instead he dug a rock from the dirt and threw it in the water. “We should go. It’s gonna be getting dark soon,” he finally spoke as he stood up and reached for my hand.

  I came to my feet and wiped the leaves from my backside with my free hand. I flashed him a caring smile and when he smiled back, I knew my words had resonated with him in some small way.

  Chapter 34

  Ethan

  FOUR THIRTY IN THE morning and I was wide awake. Three years ago, Nolan Alexander Banks came into this world at three-nineteen in the morning, and my heart was filled with a love I never knew existed. Now that same heart was burdened with more pain than I could fathom. My throat burned as I tried to hold back the emotions that were coming to surface. Remembering the first time his eyes came into focus with mine and how his tiny fingers wrapped around mine was all too much to take.

  I sat at my computer and pounded more words into my work in progress, only it wasn’t the one I was supposed to be working on for my deadline. It was the one I’d started shortly after Jenna had entered my life, the one she’d unknowingly inspired me to write. It was different than all my others and was fast becoming a favorite story of mine.

  The words on my computer screen were becoming a blur, and I needed to go back to bed. The sun would be coming up in a few hours and this day would officially begin. It was going to be hard enough to get through. Add lack of sleep to it and it would be a hundred times worse.

  I got up and headed up the stairs, stopping in the bedroom doorway to gaze at Jenna, as the moonlight shone through the window. My apprehension from just a short time ago was now replaced with a sense of peace as I watched her sleep. I got into bed and pulled her close. Even sound asleep, she managed to put my mind at ease. I’d made it through the memorial service thanks to her, and I’d make it through today as well. It was so foreign for me to need someone as much as I needed her, and with each day that passed that need deepened. I hadn’t known her for very long, but my feelings for her were intense and almost alarming.

  I kissed her on the top of her head and her eyes peeled open. “What time is it?” she asked, her voice low and raspy.

  “It’s early. Go back to sleep.”

  She nuzzled herself into my chest, and I closed my eyes. It wasn’t too long until sleep had found me as well as the inner-peace that only Jenna could bring.

  ***

  Jenna and I spent the morning at the farmers’ market and made plans to meet my sister and brother-in-law for dinner later. It was a big change from how I spent this day last year—cooped up in my office ready to drink myself to death, and I knew I had Jenna to thank for this change. We were just getting ready to sit down to a movie when her phone rang.

  “Oh shoot, I have to take this really quick. It’s Amelia. I’ve been trying to connect with her for days.”

  “No problem. I need to call Edward back anyway.” I went into my office to make the phone call I’d been dreading. He was going to be on my ass big-time about getting this book done, and I didn’t have the patience for it today.

  “Ethan, you’re still alive!” he answered.

  “Yup, still here.”

  “Well, I have good news. I talked to the publisher and they’re willing to extend the deadline if you go with the storyline we discussed. Your editor feels the same as me about the one you’re working on—it’s old hat. So, I was able to buy you a few more months to regroup and start fresh with something new.”

  “I don’t want to start with something new. I’m pretty satisfied with the way this one is turning out. I gave some chapters to Jenna to read and she—”

  “Ethan, no offense, but I think your editor at the publishing company is a little more versed than some girl who obviously got laid off from her job for a reason. Damn it, will you stop thinking with your dick and more with your head! This is your livelihood, for crying out loud!”

  “First of all, Edward, she didn’t get laid off from her job for her lack of skills. Her company merged. You know that, so stop making it seem like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. And furthermore, I trust her opinion more than I trust yours or anyone at that damn publishing company. At least I know she has nothing to gain from it.”

  “Or does she?”

  “Fuck you, man.” I shook my head and stared out the window. I didn’t need this shit, not today, not any day. “Look, I don’t know what your issue is with her, but she’s part of my life, whether you like it or not, and I trust her more than I trust anyone. So, you can tell the publisher I’ll have the story done by their original deadline, and it will be the story I’m currently working on, and if you or they aren’t satisfied with that then you can all go to hell.” I hung up the phone, still focusing on the beautiful day outside my window.

  “Ethan.” I jumped at the sound of Jenna’s voice and turned around as she took a step further into my office. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine...just fuckin’ Edward and my publisher.”

  “Oh…okay.” Her face was etched with doubt, and the last thing I wanted to do was waste what little time we got to spend together dwelling on this book.

  I moved closer, sweeping my hand up the velvety skin on her cheek. “It’s a beautiful afternoon. Let’s not waste it inside watching a movie. I want to take you somewhere that’s really special to me.”

  She nodded, but I still sensed some sadness in her eyes, and I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d heard some of my conversation with Edward. I wasn’t going to bring it up. Edward’s opinion meant nothing to me, but being here with Jenna meant everything, so I wanted to make the most of it.

  ***

  I pulled into the small parking lot, remembering the last time I’d been here. It was two days before he’d exited my life forever. We’d spent the entire afternoon here, just him and me. The huge grin that was plastered across his face every time he’d go back and forth on the swing was etched into my mind along with the deep belly laughs that feeding the ducks caused him. It all seemed like so long ago.

  “This is where Nolan and I would spend a lot of our time,” I told Jenna as we got out of the car and walked onto the playground. A dull ache shot through my chest as I looked around at the children running around, laughing, so full of life. The same way Nolan would’ve been if he were here now.

  Jenna gripped my hand as we walked over to the bench and took a seat in front of the lake. “This is so peaceful,” she whispered, zipping up her coat and pulling her gloves from her pocket.

  “Are you cold?” I reached my arm around her in an effort to keep her warm.

  “Tell me how you and Nolan would be spending today.”

  “I-I don’t know.”

  “I think you do. What would you be doing right now if Nolan we
re here with you instead of me?”

  She rested her head on my shoulder and took my hand in hers.

  “He would no doubt be on one of the baby swings. They were his favorites. I’d push him forever and he’d never tire of it.” I pulled in my bottom lip and bit back a smile. “He’d finally conquered his fear of going down the little sliding board. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times he’d gone up and down that thing. I got tired just watching him.”

  She smiled up at me and let out a light chuckle.

  “There are so many things I would have remembered more clearly if I knew—” I stopped myself and worked my throat to swallow. “Up until now, I haven’t been able to come near this place. It just held too many memories.”

  “Memories are good, Ethan. Don’t ever lose the ones you have of him. Cherish them forever. Once you break through the initial pain of facing them, you’ll realize they aren’t so painful after all.”

  “Were you a therapist in another life or something?”

  “Nah.” She shook her head and laughed. “I just know what it feels like to lose someone you care about. My best friend since kindergarten...we kinda went in a different direction once we got into our senior year of high school. She started hanging out with the wrong crowd who got her involved with drugs, and three days after we graduated, she overdosed.”

  “Wow, I’m sorry, Jenna.”

  “It was a long time ago, but like you, I blamed myself. Maybe if I had been a better friend…maybe if I tried to convince her a little harder not to hang out with those people. It wasn’t my fault. It took me a while to realize that and remember all the good times we had together. But now I can, and every time I do, I smile instead of cry. I know one day you’ll get there with Nolan.”

  I raised her hand and rested my lips on her knuckles. “I seriously don’t know what I’d do if you hadn’t come into my life, Jenna.”

  She smiled as her eyes filled with tears.

  “I feel like you know me better than people I’ve known my entire life, and it scares me.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered. But I did really know. She was the glue that was holding me together when I so desperately wanted to fall apart, and if she were to leave, that glue would dry up and break me once again—only this time beyond repair.